Marriage Ministries - Exposing the Sex Lie

Exposing the Sex Lie
Why a married, bald guy is more satisfied
than you'd think

by Tim Alan Gardner

(Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1998, Summer)

I'm tired of being told I'm missing out on great sex.

I am a 38-year-old very happily married man with two boys who have frequent flyer miles at the emergency room, a baby girl who is listed as "Head of the House" on tax forms, and a home with revolving doors for neighbor kids. I'm in good health, eat well (as long as chips are considered a food group), and work out at TaeKwonDo (with my boys) several times a week. My wife is a loving, beautiful woman who excites me more today than when we married ten years ago.

So what's wrong with my sex life? According to the cultural messages that bombard me, I couldn't possibly have enough self-esteem to fully enjoy a sexual relationship because I don't have a wash-board stomach, my teeth are not whiter-than-white, and, worst of all, I have a receding hairline. And, since my wife has never had laser resurfacing for wrinkles or any type of breast augmentation, my sexual satisfaction score just couldn't be that high.

Huh?

You may have guessed that I am not a poster boy for the Hair Club for Men. One of their ads shows a young man lamenting his hair loss. "Whenever I stopped at a red light," he says, "I felt like everyone around me was staring at my bald spot." Give me a break! I have never felt that anybody was staring at my ever-lengthening forehead. If my fly was down, maybe. Still, all the ads end with some statement about increased self-confidence and then (tah-dah) show the formerly bald guy with a half-naked woman on his arm. The moral? Get a full head of hair, you'll get a "beautiful" girl who is more than willing to have sex with you.

It's bad enough for men, but I have much more sympathy for women. Every magazine cover greets them with a waist-starved, breast-enhanced model who supposedly typifies what men want. Plastic surgery clinics with slogans like "You could be so much more" show women who have paid for perfect breasts. The moral? Guys like ultra-slim women with large breasts. The implication? Be that way and sex will be great for everybody.

Does a woman really want a man who is attracted to her because of her cup size? Does a man really want a relationship with a woman who wouldn't give him a second thought if he were bald? And is sex really better with someone who has a full head of hair or breasts that threaten to burst out of their restraints? Sadly, many do believe it. Ninety thousand American women received implants in 1996; hair-loss programs are now a $1.5 billion industry. Even more sad, those spending the money are dead wrong.

When Adam first saw Eve, he didn't say, "God, thanks, but could you change her body a little?" No. To paraphrase, it was "WOW, God, thanks! She's everything I need." Then Genesis gives us the true key to great sex: "The man and his wife were both naked and unashamed." Did you catch that? Naked. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. Unashamed. "Here are my dreams, my thoughts, my prayers and my body. I take comfort in knowing you accept them just as they are." That type of unconditional acceptance leads to great sex.

Studies show that those who are most satisfied sexually are not the wild-and-free single crowd, the young crowd or even the "mistress on the side" crowd. It's not a crowd at all. The most satisfying sex is occurring between two people who are married, over 30, faithful to each other and who enjoy marriage. Our culture asks, "How can that be?" God answers, "It's the way it's always been."

Our obsession with—and definition of—a great body is truly cultural. To the Japanese, the sensual part of a woman is the nape of her neck. To the Renaissance artist, a beautiful woman had average-size breasts and looked like she had actually eaten a meal in the past 24 hours. The happiest lovers are those who take a proper view of the body. It is neither worshiped nor despised; it is simply accepted for what it is. And it's shared in the atmosphere of a loving marriage where one can be naked and unashamed.

I hate to disappoint Madison Avenue, but I'm not missing out on a thing.

1998 by the author or Christianity Today International/Marriage Partnership magazine.

Dr. Tim Gardner

Dr. Tim Alan Gardner, LMHC

Comments from some
who have experienced Tim.
We promise we're not
making this stuff up!

"Tim Gardner was a blessing to our congregation. His grace-filled presentation, backed with a strong understanding of God's design for marriage and an extensive knowledge of current research about marriage in the social sciences, gave our members new tools to help them
craft healthy marriages.
He artfully combined laughter with clear, understandable teaching. We look forward to
having him again."
-Rev. Larry Coulter, Sr. Pastor
Shepherd of the Hills

"By far, Tim Gardner is one of the best speakers we have had. His expertise in family matters and life skills is always communicated with humor and sensitivity. He knows what men need to hear and says it as they need to hear it! He has a terrific way of weaving a command of the Scriptures with research data. Together those form a powerful punch for men who want to know their God-given role and how God will help them as they strive to be better husbands and dads. We have many speakers but Tim’s presentations are the most impactful and are always what the men remember most. I heartily recommend him."
-Mike Whitesell,
Director: Men of Grace
Grace Community Church

"We've really enjoyed getting to know Tim Gardner. Tim speaks with passion, clarity, and lot of great humor. I'd recommend him to any church or group."
-Paul Mumaw,
Lead Pastor
Genesis Church

"I loved it! Tim Gardner spoke directly to our group of over 100 men and didn't throw any softballs, but called out the men to honor their wives and marriages. We men need to be challenged to Man Up and Do It."
-Bart Middleton,
Men's Ministry Leader
Brookville Rd. Cmnty Church

"Tim has an amazing ability to drive home a truth without beating you up in the process. Bring him back again and again; we were all blessed by his humor and his strength."
-Blanche N., pastor's wife

"Tim Gardner is the best marriage communicator
on the planet."
-Mike Carver,
Men's Ministry Leader
Chapel Hill Presbyterian

"Tim Gardner gave an awesome no-punches-pulled presentation that made sense of everyday experience."
-Mike T., pastor

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this than all of the other
workshops combined."
-audience member
in Seattle, WA

"Tim is amazingly over the top."
-Barry

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and engaging."
-Martha

"The best marriage event
I've ever attended!"
-a pastor from Grand Rapids

"I regret that I wasted 20 years of my life loving my wife the wrong way. Dr. Gardner showed me the right way...
and it saved my marriage."
-Mark

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-Missionary serving in Africa, on a retreat in Dakar, Senegal

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a breath of fresh air."
-Ed D, pastor

A few testimonials from our corporate clients.

“I’ve been in the meeting and travel business for over 18 years, and I’ve never seen anyone have an impact on the entire family like Tim and Amy. They exceed expectations with the program they deliver.”
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Performance Strategies, Inc.

"Our association with Dr. Tim Gardner has turned out to be just what we were looking for! We have utilized Dr. and Mrs. Gardner's live presentations to our employees and their spouses and they love it."
Tom Westcott , Vice President
hhgregg electronics

"Dr. Gardner's relationship skills program has been very well received by my team."
Steve Scattaregia,
Regional Vice President
CommScope Inc.

“My wife and I believe that the training we received with Tim Gardner will help us take steps to improve our relationship. Furthermore, as things are better at home, I am convinced that I will be more
productive at work."
Mark Flagg,
HOMExperience Director
The Estridge Companies

A Few Evaluations from the Smart Marriages Conference

"I will forever be able to remember the 5 keys due to the wonderful hand symbols that made them so simple and clear. Thank you, thank you!! Tim was entertaining, informative, and engaging."

"Wonderful speaker. I loved the visual of the hand. It really helped me remember the Five Keys to an Incredible Marriage. Most importantly, I learned the importance of raising the expectations of what I need to do instead of expecting so much from my spouse."

"Hands down best presenter that is not in a plenary. The five keys he presented were so simple I can remember them without looking at my notes. But they are fluid enough that I can use them with almost all of the couples that I work with. His idea of oneness is one of the most powerful marriage concepts I have heard anyone
talk about."

And a few anonymous ones... from husbands no less!

"Thanks for providing leadership in this important area of family and marriage!"

"My children are parents themselves now but the info is relevant for me as a father and grandfather"

"Tim really just kind of laid it out for us and gave us
a lot to think about."

"I've been married for 20 years, but Tim provided some great advice and direction to continue 'pursuing' my wife."

"I NEED to be reminded frequently of ways to put myself aside and show my wife how much she means to me."

"Great reminder to put selfishness to the side and do all I can for my wife."

Exposing the Sex Lie Why a married, bald guy is more satisfied than you'd think

Exposing the Sex Lie
Why a married, bald guy is more satisfied
than you'd think